So it's like, almost valentine's day, and I'm not looking forward to it. You see, for the past couple of years I haven't had the greatest success. Is it because I don't make the effort? No. Is it because I'm a self-centred jerk who doesn't care about anyone else but myself? No. It's because the girls in my college have no class. I'm a pretty damn good cook, and every feb 14th at college I've rustled up a sumptuous meal for me and a special lady. And then when it'd done I've gone on a search for the lady. But for some reason, no-one's interested. You'd think girls would appreciate a man knocking on their door at 9pm and offering them a fillet of cod with asparagus that I'd cooked for no-one in particular. You'd think they'd found that flattering. Last year, I gave up after the 18th girl because it was obvious that they just can't see style when they see it. So this year it's just me, a pot noodle, and a copy of Zoo.

I'm so bored! I've been masterbating furiously for four hours. I'm too fat to go to the gym and I have no friends so I can't go to the pub. Like, so bored.

I'm really, like, gonna miss my friends this holiday, like. 5 long weeks without them, I just don't know what I'm going to do. The other night we were all in the JCR pissing about and the gang decided to flush my head down the toilet. It was so funny! I still haven't got my wallet back.

Why will no-one put my cock in their mouth?

Sometimes I hate myself for not being able to help my friends more. I do my best, honestly I do. But I'm only one man, and I can only take so much of listening to other people's problems. I don't talk about it much because I don't like to blow my own trumpet, but I have problems too and sometimes I wish I could just sit down with someone, say at lunch, and just talk to them about it. You know what I mean, no 'hi, how are you?', just sit down and unload in a selfish, unbearable monologue about what happens to be going on with me that day. I just wish I'd been born with the ability to do that. Unfortunately I was born a nice guy, and I care too damn much about other people's feelings to do it. But sometimes, just once, I wish I could. I'm such a fucking saint.

Did you know, I have both a penis and a vagina?

If someone doesn't bone me in the next couple days I'm gonna go frickin mental

So I was walking along the road the other day, on the way to Tesco. I'd run out of bread and really fancied a bacon sandwich because I hadn't had bacon in a while. So I'm walking along, and this guy steps in front of me. He had a top hat on and a black cape and he asked if he could show me a trick. So I said alright, cos he had a television crew with him, I think he was doing a television programme and I've never been on the telly. So he asked me to hold out my hand and he put this big marble in it. Then he asked me to tell the camera whether it was hot or cold. So I said it was normal temperature, and he said ok so its cold, so I said ok yeah cold. Then he told me to hold my hand out in front of the camera and not to move it so that the camera could see it all the time. The he turned to the camera and said that it was a magic marble. It had been given to him in the jungles of Brazil by this local healer who had been given it by a Goddess. And it was blessed so that it changed temperature of its own will, cos the local tribes, they worship the temperature or something cos its always well hot there in the jungle. So he said that the Goddess had given it to the medicine man and told him a magic spell to say which would make the marble turn hot so that it could be used in magic rituals. And the magician guy had gone to Brazil and had shown some of the people his tricks and because they were impressed they had given him they're highest honour, which was this marble, and had taught him the magic spell. So here he was with the marble and he was going to perform the magic in front of me. So then the camera went right in close to the marble in my hand, and the magician held his hands around mine and closed my fist around the marble and then closed his eyes and started swaying. Well I didn't know what was going on but I tried to keep my hand still and flattened my hair with the other cos I was due a hair cut and knew it was looking a bit crap. And all the time the magician is chanting under his breath and getting louder and louder until suddenly he through back his head and shouted 'AAAAAWAKAKAKA!'. Then he opened his eyes and told me to open my hand and tell the camera what had happened. So I opened my hand and felt the marble. And was it hot? Was it bollocks!

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