So it's like, almost valentine's day, and I'm not looking forward to it. You see, for the past couple of years I haven't had the greatest success. Is it because I don't make the effort? No. Is it because I'm a self-centred jerk who doesn't care about anyone else but myself? No. It's because the girls in my college have no class. I'm a pretty damn good cook, and every feb 14th at college I've rustled up a sumptuous meal for me and a special lady. And then when it'd done I've gone on a search for the lady. But for some reason, no-one's interested. You'd think girls would appreciate a man knocking on their door at 9pm and offering them a fillet of cod with asparagus that I'd cooked for no-one in particular. You'd think they'd found that flattering. Last year, I gave up after the 18th girl because it was obvious that they just can't see style when they see it. So this year it's just me, a pot noodle, and a copy of Zoo.

I'm so bored! I've been masterbating furiously for four hours. I'm too fat to go to the gym and I have no friends so I can't go to the pub. Like, so bored.

I'm really, like, gonna miss my friends this holiday, like. 5 long weeks without them, I just don't know what I'm going to do. The other night we were all in the JCR pissing about and the gang decided to flush my head down the toilet. It was so funny! I still haven't got my wallet back.

Why will no-one put my cock in their mouth?

Sometimes I hate myself for not being able to help my friends more. I do my best, honestly I do. But I'm only one man, and I can only take so much of listening to other people's problems. I don't talk about it much because I don't like to blow my own trumpet, but I have problems too and sometimes I wish I could just sit down with someone, say at lunch, and just talk to them about it. You know what I mean, no 'hi, how are you?', just sit down and unload in a selfish, unbearable monologue about what happens to be going on with me that day. I just wish I'd been born with the ability to do that. Unfortunately I was born a nice guy, and I care too damn much about other people's feelings to do it. But sometimes, just once, I wish I could. I'm such a fucking saint.

Did you know, I have both a penis and a vagina?

If someone doesn't bone me in the next couple days I'm gonna go frickin mental